Victimless Crime Files: The Case of the Simpsonville Stoner
Pot smokers are lazy, and like to sit around all day getting high. This means that they have to think of ways to make money that don’t involve having to stay sober all day at work. Thomas Kellett of Simpsonville thought found a way to do just that.
He burglarized the houses of his neighbors. The problem with this Cheech and Chongery was that he was too stoned to figure out that breaking into homes in a Castle Doctrine state is a recipe for disaster:
A Simpsonville man was arrested Monday in connection with burglaries at three homes.
Police said a home on North Almond Drive in the Poinsettia neighborhood was broken into on Feb. 19. They said money, gift cards and jewelry were stolen from the home.
Investigators said about a month later, someone tried to break into two more homes in the same neighborhood – one on Oglewood Drive and the other on North Almond Drive. They said when the thief tried to break into the Oglewood Drive home, the homeowner fired a shot, scaring the would-be burglar away.
On Monday, police said they arrested 23-year-old Thomas Kellett in connection with the burglaries. He was charged with first-degree burglary, grand larceny, simple possession of marijuana and two counts of attempted first-degree burglary.
Arrest warrants indicate that Kellett lived in the area. Word on the street is that he was known in the area as a lazy, shiftless stoner which is why police found him. In his weed haze he forgot that in South Carolina most people own guns and don’t like people breaking in their houses. His impaired functions almost cost him his life.
But of course once pot is legalized pot smokers will no longer be lazy and act retarded. It’s not as if people smoke pot to depress mental function and physical activity, right?